The Three-Photo Story
Saturday June 21, 2008Once you are settled at home, or any time thereafter, the simplest way to tell your child’s story is with a sequence of three photographs. The first photo is of your child before adoption. The second photo is of the “handover,” showing you receiving your child from the orphanage caregiver or director, or from foster parents. The third is a photo of your child with her present family. These three photos pasted in sequence provide the context for answering what I call the Four Questions (see the next section).
The first photograph, ideally the earliest one you have of your child, opens the door to the past. “First you lived with [birth parent or foster parent or other caregiver’s name] in [name of country].” The second photo explains the Big Change, the handover: “This picture was taken when you joined our family.” Of the third photo you might say, “Now we are a family: parent and child.”
The Three-Photo Story is an adopted child’s special talisman. Even when you are not present to tell your child her story, she can look at the photos and recall what happened. The photo story provides a reality check for the child’s feelings as well as her memories, even those she has not yet found the means to express verbally.
Using the Three-Photo Story to Answer the Four Questions
Young children who have been adopted, I have found, have four vital questions to which they need simple, concrete answers. These questions and their answers will guide much of what you say to your child about his experiences. You are likely to find, however, that there are no perfect answers. Your child will ask again and again to hear the questions and answers, so if you goof up one or two times, you will have many opportunities to get it right. Think of it as a process that is at least eighteen years long.
- Question 1: What Happened to Me?
- Answer: Tell your child that she has gone through a big change. You might say, “First you lived in [country name, birth home, and foster home or orphanage], and then you came to live here with me. This was a very big change.” You can spread your hands out wide to show how all-encompassing the change was. To explain further, you can describe how you are different from former caregivers, in terms of appearance—eyes, hair, age, odor, and so on—as well as language and culture. You can say that everything now is new and different. Using the child’s native language for terms such as big, change, new, and different can be helpful. The term Big Change is more concrete and meaningful to a child than the abstract word adoption.
Use the Three-Photo Story to summarize your explanation visually. Point to the first photo of your child when you say, “First you lived in [name of country].” Point to the second photo when you acknowledge that “[name of caregiver, or word for the caregiver in the child’s first language] gave you to me, to be my child.” Point to the third photo when you say, “Then you came to live with me. And you will live with me until you are an old lady [man] just like Grandma [Grandpa]!”
- Question 2: Who Will Take Care of Me Now?
- Answer: “I will take care of you all day and all night,” you might say, “every single day.” Point to yourself and pantomime sleeping and waking. You may want to make an additional series of photos to show how you take care of your child. Again, photos or drawings make your words more real and memorable to your child.
- Question 3: Did I Make the Big Change Happen?
- Answer: Tell your child emphatically, “You did not make the Big Change happen. Grownups made it happen.” This seemingly simple concept is virtually impossible for young children to grasp. To help your child understand, point out other infants or toddlers and ask, “Could that baby make a mommy leave?” If your child says yes, ask how. Help your child conduct a reality test about the limited power of young children. This will help him grasp that the Big Change could not possibly have been caused by his own actions or choices.
At this juncture you might want to have your child look at the two early photos in the photo story while you ask, “Were you big enough when this picture was taken to change what was happening to you?”
- Question 4: Will Everything Change Again, and Will I Lose You, Too?
- Answer: “I don’t think there will be any more big changes,” you can say, “but we both know nothing is certain. I will let you know if another big change is coming, so that you won’t be surprised. I made a plan that if anything happens to me, [name] will take care of you. But I hope and believe that you and I will be together while you grow up until you are at least as old as I am. I think we will be two old people together one day.” For a child more than three or four years old, who lives in a two-parent family, you eventually want to add, “If anything happens to me, your [other parent] will take care of you.” By age six or seven many children ask what will happen if both parents die, so be prepared to explain your guardianship plans.
Print or online media may reprint this excerpt with the following attribution: “Excerpted from Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, by Patty Cogen, M.A., Ed.D. (c) 2008, used by permission from The Harvard Common Press.“
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